something to say

today, mom pointed right at my face and told me, told me again, that one day i was going to write a book. three, she added. three books.

i just have to find something to say, i responded.

mom thinks i already do. and maybe i do, somewhere up there. it's settling down, swirling, growing, being shaped, being formed.

the molding: i picked up two books this afternoon by two men who have already played a big role in the shaping of my heart. john piper and cs lewis. "suffering and the sovereignty of god" and "the weight of glory." i'm already sixty pages into piper's book and it is deep. and rich. and so complex that some paragraphs, i have to re-read a few times before i can comprehend them. last night, katie, emily, amy, and i hunched around a small metal table in downtown birmingham over emptied coffee cups, and had one of those direction-shaping conversations where all these floating ideas begin to come together and make some sense. we talked-- raged, really. honest and raw and god, why are you this way? questions and more questions and brick walls that we've all come to. we've all beat our foreheads into that wall, and that's what allowed us our honesty. no more pat, ridiculous answers that aren't answers at all. all of this and god knows my search, my hunt, over the past weeks and months. why the Fall? why the suffering? how are you really good? give me some answers?

the Answer that i seek-- i don't know if one day, that will be what i have to say. i hope so. i hope, i believe, really, that one day, my questions will be less of a vast, gaping hole in my road to knowing and trusting god. maybe one day the questions that i asked as a young college student will be the doubts and insecurities that through passionate search and study, i found reliable answers to. and perhaps those answers will form a bridge for myself and others and we come to know him better.

evil. the Fall. god as Sovereign. god, allower of evil. ordainer of it. user of it. god, good. the only Good.

and i am serious in this. in finding the truth. yesterday as we were talking, i turned to katie and told her that the few fleeting moments over my past 20 years, the few moments where i have experienced complete and total satisfaction and fulfillment-- those moments have been in god's worship and presence. and i told her, and i meant it, that that's all i want. to be satisfied. and he's the only one to give it to me.

so i'm serious in my pursuit of him. and the Answer. because i will not live without joy. and contentedness. not when it is offered me. not when i've tasted it at the tip of my tongue.

i want more.

so god will give it me, yes. oh abba. he will.