going home

going home tomorrow morning.

home. as in 2109 north west.

that time, already. tonight i feel the press-pause urge, which is something i haven't experienced in so, so long. it's not ever that i fear what is coming in a few hours. i'm fine with the twelve-hour drive, and the school starting, and the being reunited with my dc friends and life. it's a fear of that awful lonely emotion that will hit me a few weeks or days in. it will come as i climb up into my bed and pull the covers up to my chin, roll over, turn the lamp off, and stare at the dark ceiling. i'll lie there and wish i could be here. even though this house is always freezing cold because the heat doesn't work. here. even though my things are strewn all over the place and god knows how that frustrates me. here. southpoint is home. here, with parents who keep reminding me how proud they are of me when i don't deserve it. here, with siblings who annoy me and show me my selfish sin. home.

i know i'm borrowing trouble, to spend my last few hours here dreading the future. but the past month has been oh such a sweet gift. and my heart is so full, so happy to be right here. and this is not about wishing things were different. i don't. i wouldn't stay in alabama for anything. but it has been good to me. jesus has. mom has. dad has. little bits of love from everyone i hugged long over the past four weeks, i'm taking that with me. that love is everything i've got.