no healer here

i didn't start to cry until i was in the car headed north again and the weight of what had passed between us sunk into my soul and frustration and despair broke me down. in the moment--i never feel it in the moment. in the moment i watched the liquid pool up in the corners, watched the familiar reddening of your eyes and the skin around them, watched as you brushed them away with the back of your hand. all i could do was watch. but i would've have teared up with you if i could have. would have wrapped you up big and pulled you tight and smoothed your hair with the hope of future healing.

i struggle against this paralysis of inability. we are blind and mute and dumb when it comes to healing one another; healer is not our role to play. we cannot even heal ourselves, i realize. there are times when i am prepared to trade anything to be able to save and rescue you, but i cannot. even i must wait on god for my own rescue. but i am bad at waiting, bad at being rescued, bad at releasing control.

and so it deeply hurts me that i can watch you sorrow, watch the fire touch you. and it feels like all i can do is watch. when lazarus died, the bible says that all christ did was quite simply, weep. in that moment he simply felt deeply alongside of mary and martha. he felt their emotions and pain, the hurt and confusion, and the depth of human frailty.

i am awakening to my own inabilities to save the people i love, the world, anybody. so if i cannot save, i will listen. i will love. i will weep.

i will cry out at god the please!! the why??!

12/22/11