to be a blessing
blessed to be a blessing.
it's that time of year again-- my birthday month. i hate it almost more than i love it because i find within myself a compulsive desire arising (more so than usual) which demands attention and adoration. for some reason, i find myself defining my value and worth by how many people are thinking of me or showering me with love and gifts. i am always list-making inwardly-- how many people truly love me and accept me? how many people love me enough to demonstrate that in some way? the more that do, the more valued i feel. my birthday just compounds that. for weeks in advance i wonder who, if anyone, will plan some sort of party. who will suprise me? who will write me a letter telling me how special to them i am? all those expectations and hopes set me up for sense of sorrow: becuase maybe i will find that am not really that cared for. not really that important. maybe not all that loved.
but i am lavishly loved--by other people and chirst alike. and this is all. wrong.
this is so opposite the gospel that it hurts to write it down. and the word of god tells me to speak truth to myself- to allow god's reality to shape my own, so that is what i must do. refute lies with god's truth.
the foundation of my entire existence: breath, rise/fall, beating heart, pulsing blood, competent mind: physically and spiritually i exist in this moment of time to glorify the one who loved me to life, and who loved me a second time to life by sending his son to redeem me from the disaster adam & i had engineered. in this total and overwhelming definition of my existence flows an understanding of significance. i am valuable. and that statement doesn't do my value justice. i am so valued that the Speaker of the universe would shrink himself to my size to save me. so valued that through my life, jesus produces fruit. so valued that i am loved by christ the same amount the abba loves the son. i am beyond valued. i am a treasure worthy to the father of sacrificing his most loved object. and in the cross my value is defined by christ's love and work and identity. all of it becomes attributed to me and my person is re-defined not as humanity but as divinity (partakers of the divine nature). i am so loved, so so loved. this is all so incredible-- like mind deconstructingly incredible, yet somehow i'd rather live in the lies of my past: that how much other humans being express their thankfulness for my life defines my value.
and yet in all of this kindness of god i am reminded: i am blessed by all of this love so that i would bless the name of christ rather than my own. god promised abraham, "and I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you...so that you will be a blessing to all nations." this is my Purpose: praising god's name by blessing the nations with the gospel. this turns my whole birthday attitude completely around. according to the word, even simple gifts like birthday love are directed my way so that i may in an even fuller way pour out love on others. also, these truths work to deny my flesh's desire and thirst for adoration. god's love meets my needs so i don't need people to praise me in order to feel accepted. i pray that god would transform my heart so that rather than expecting or desiring attention i would desire even more to bless others. i long to spend my birthday looking for ways to serve and love on others rather than spending the day hoping people will love and serve me. for jesus did not come to be served, but to serve! (especially on that birthday in that manger in the straw... what service.)
and above all else i ask you god, to satisfy me me early with your love that i may rejoice and be glad all my days.
it's that time of year again-- my birthday month. i hate it almost more than i love it because i find within myself a compulsive desire arising (more so than usual) which demands attention and adoration. for some reason, i find myself defining my value and worth by how many people are thinking of me or showering me with love and gifts. i am always list-making inwardly-- how many people truly love me and accept me? how many people love me enough to demonstrate that in some way? the more that do, the more valued i feel. my birthday just compounds that. for weeks in advance i wonder who, if anyone, will plan some sort of party. who will suprise me? who will write me a letter telling me how special to them i am? all those expectations and hopes set me up for sense of sorrow: becuase maybe i will find that am not really that cared for. not really that important. maybe not all that loved.
but i am lavishly loved--by other people and chirst alike. and this is all. wrong.
this is so opposite the gospel that it hurts to write it down. and the word of god tells me to speak truth to myself- to allow god's reality to shape my own, so that is what i must do. refute lies with god's truth.
the foundation of my entire existence: breath, rise/fall, beating heart, pulsing blood, competent mind: physically and spiritually i exist in this moment of time to glorify the one who loved me to life, and who loved me a second time to life by sending his son to redeem me from the disaster adam & i had engineered. in this total and overwhelming definition of my existence flows an understanding of significance. i am valuable. and that statement doesn't do my value justice. i am so valued that the Speaker of the universe would shrink himself to my size to save me. so valued that through my life, jesus produces fruit. so valued that i am loved by christ the same amount the abba loves the son. i am beyond valued. i am a treasure worthy to the father of sacrificing his most loved object. and in the cross my value is defined by christ's love and work and identity. all of it becomes attributed to me and my person is re-defined not as humanity but as divinity (partakers of the divine nature). i am so loved, so so loved. this is all so incredible-- like mind deconstructingly incredible, yet somehow i'd rather live in the lies of my past: that how much other humans being express their thankfulness for my life defines my value.
and yet in all of this kindness of god i am reminded: i am blessed by all of this love so that i would bless the name of christ rather than my own. god promised abraham, "and I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you...so that you will be a blessing to all nations." this is my Purpose: praising god's name by blessing the nations with the gospel. this turns my whole birthday attitude completely around. according to the word, even simple gifts like birthday love are directed my way so that i may in an even fuller way pour out love on others. also, these truths work to deny my flesh's desire and thirst for adoration. god's love meets my needs so i don't need people to praise me in order to feel accepted. i pray that god would transform my heart so that rather than expecting or desiring attention i would desire even more to bless others. i long to spend my birthday looking for ways to serve and love on others rather than spending the day hoping people will love and serve me. for jesus did not come to be served, but to serve! (especially on that birthday in that manger in the straw... what service.)
and above all else i ask you god, to satisfy me me early with your love that i may rejoice and be glad all my days.
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