control issues
what is this thing, this monster inside that controls me from within when i begin to experience overwhelmed, suffocating pressure?
it happens way too often: i organize my space (dishes done, toothpaste neatly tucked in the behind-the-mirror shelf, bed made, counters wiped, shoes stacked in closet) and organize my planner and organize my papers (3-hole punch them and stuff them into the too-small binder) and then i to-do list over and over and then the stress comes. it creeps up my throat with a sickness, i can't do it all. my eyes shift wildly, the pages in front of them become un-intelligible after a few moments. i open another book or start a new project, but the doing of it makes me feel nervous because it means that that other-thing that needs to be done isn't being done. last night, this process ended me in bed early, before i had gotten too much of anything actually accomplished.
i am so out of control, far more than i have ever fully realized.
it happens way too often: i organize my space (dishes done, toothpaste neatly tucked in the behind-the-mirror shelf, bed made, counters wiped, shoes stacked in closet) and organize my planner and organize my papers (3-hole punch them and stuff them into the too-small binder) and then i to-do list over and over and then the stress comes. it creeps up my throat with a sickness, i can't do it all. my eyes shift wildly, the pages in front of them become un-intelligible after a few moments. i open another book or start a new project, but the doing of it makes me feel nervous because it means that that other-thing that needs to be done isn't being done. last night, this process ended me in bed early, before i had gotten too much of anything actually accomplished.
i am so out of control, far more than i have ever fully realized.
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