raw

fall 2009

dancing in front of a crowd

walking a narrow plank

stumbling

tripping up

i flail, just a little

sigh.

sit down, bury my head.

calm my heart. pray.

it’s like a million {a million} voices in my head.

mistakes.

so/afraid/of them.

i want to do everything right the first time. i guess we all do. perfection, my goal.

iron bars around this heart.

so easy to say yes. so hard to say no.

hard choices.

lonely, it is over here. alone.

can we just be together right now?

-----

summer 2009

she kicked. hard. she always got her way. broken and beaten down, she cries. why so alone? why is it so dark here?

shafts of light are sun at it’s most beautiful form. darkness frames the light and it stands in such contrast from everything else.

when we are trapped in darkness, we appreciate the light the most.

the beams touched her nose. daughter, i never changed. come, hold my hand. let’s talk.

loved ones. children. lover. bride. israel. abraham, isaac and jacob.

and it’s just so .simple.

we run and run and run and we read, and cry, and struggle. we grope and seek and wonder, and find ourselves farther away then when we started.

we’re afraid to just fall. fall into loving arms that catch us every time.

reliance. do we even know that word anymore?

all he wants is us. our love. our trust. out time. our hearts. he wants to listen, but we’re afraid to talk.

and then, peace. the presence, so filling. every aching part is whole, whole, whole again. held. my child. you are mine. mine alone.

don’t ever let me go. here, i am home.

----

feeling. fall 2009

i will turn on Here comes the sun. the Beatles, of course.

my toes will curl and i will sigh.

i will curl into a teeny tiny ball and close my eyes.

sun, sun, sun, here it comes....

feel it? see it? why yes, i most certainly do.

my heart bubbles up, just a little. swells.

there is this feeling. you know the one where sorrow + joy meet?

butterflies hopping around in my tummy.

that feeling? yeah, i get it alot.

like when i lay here and wonder how much more happiness i can take.

part of me aches every single second he’s gone.

part of me is always missing.

part of me never feels quite whole.

but it only hurts because i am so generally happy.

ever so. so. so. happy.

alive.

i finally feel alive.

it’s the best of all the feelings.

-------

magic is in the sky fall 2009

clouds, big puffy ones

also, wispy tails

reach up to kiss the blue

perfect reflection

like one huge mirror, that’s the river

look up or down

beauty beauty beauty

it is

everywhere

i reach out my hand

catch a little piece of heaven

close my fingers quickly

before the magic slips away

i want to drink in the sky

i need to float away

i’d soak it all in

if only i could live up there

-----

12/09

hope springs eternal

but sometimes it doesn’t

where is the reconciliation

where does our heart meet our head

where does truth touch the pain

where does faith greet reality

where does the hand come to wipe away the tears

where is the love we so desire

what about faith

those mountains won’t budge

strength melts

pain fills

“I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity

Cause it came down like a tidal wave and sorrow swept over me

Then I was given grace and love

I was blind but now I can see

Cause I've found a new hope from above

And courage swept over me

It hurts just to wake up whenever you're wearing thin

Alone on the outside

So tired of looking in

The end is uncertain

And I've never been so afraid

But I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope

And that makes me feel brave”

-----

confusion.

12/17/09

swift, oh she changes fast.

under the consciousness, everything changes

then she is left wondering

how this blood got on my hands

i was a sleep. when it was put there.

cold, yes. you could call it that.

he does, actually.

confused?

can we just call it that instead?

i am honest.

not fearless.

and honestly, i am confused.

i wish that was acceptable.

you, know. to be un-sure.

to quaver.

to wonder.

to wish.

never.

look up. The List. hanging around,

just over your right shoulder.

it has Demands, you must comply.

thous.ands. pulling, pushing, shoving, saying your name in unison.

the thought she was thinking leaves her.

where was i again?

back. hello, confusion. welcome Home.

------

1/9/10

2009 came, and went

there were debate tournaments and wins and losses. mardi gras parades and jumping in a freezing pool. there was veritas, sonic, and passing notes. a new president and a cold inauguration day. a concert out of a self-storage unit and the vulcan in winter. there was a roman school play and learning latin. there was running and running, just for the fun of it. there was going to nats and doing well. there was a wedding, and then a move. there was jsa, sailing, and best friends. there was nicaragua, and getting accepted to the college of my dreams. a new car irene and saying goodbye to the buick. 18 years was celebrated with all the ones i love. there was bama football games and a national title. there was a growing peace and acceptance in my family. there was hurt and happiness, but mostly happiness. there was frustration and confusion, and running from the one i love. but there was redemption- over and over. there were starry nights and each were special. there was a new job and learning to sortakindaalmost like coffee. there were fireworks at the camp and canoe rides and fires. there were two in a single and good long talks. there were silly boys and serious boys and many new feelings. there were kisses (but no lipies) and goodbyes. there were pictures and smiles. community college and an a in chemistry. new challenges and new answers. arthritis went then came to stay.

and she came out :smiling:

jesus loves.

---

1/8/10

all your billows have gone over me

sputtering and choking

washed up on the sand

scales cover me

every inch

gasping, hurting, broken

then comes the healer

the streams whereof will make glad

he cleans and with tender hands

touches the heart gone cold

life springs new

fresh

welcome

there is rest here

weary and shivering

come in from the chill

home

------

hungry 2/2/10

a long month

my green bedroom, eleven walls of it.

i sit there and wonder.

question.

hurt.

bored.

itching for something.

theres this big cliff, and i’m ready to jump off

but i cant. not for another 7 months.

time feels wasted

i hate waste

i wanna see past my eleven walls so bad.

today, im trying

fasting; waiting on god; let me crucify the flesh

i’ve never done this before, gosh its hard

i dont even life food, and it’s all i can think about

jesus, for me you... went hungry, were weakened, hurt, prayed.

i have so many questions and you’re the only answer.

this heart, so :wretched: so so empty

i believe, i believe

will be filled one day again

my belly is hungry

my heart is broken

my soul is thirsty

my body is weak

my mind is distracted

all of me screams for you!

you ALONE.

Jesus, fill me. fill every little crevice, fill every little broken part.

touch me, i need to feel you.

-------

walls 2/15/10

where ARE you when i seek?

when i long to dance, in the palm of your hand.

you were there for Israel. oh, you were there.

and now, what about me? father?

yess, i am mistaken. yes. i am heap of failures. yes, all the fingers point to me. is it okay if im tired of feeling guilty? it never ends. it will always be my fault.

(sin builds these walls)

i want you. i want you to poke a hole in my wall. so i can see that shiny beam of light that reminds me of the Sun on the other side.

you see, i’ve tried to stop. to stop messing up. and sometimes, (a short time) it works.

tears come alot these days. like now?

so does my sin. (oh i hate that word.)

make the first move, god!

maybe i have it all wrong. actually, im pretty sure i do.

but i cant do it anymore. oh, i tried.

im just a harlot.

and i keep leaving you. over and over.

this is my fault.

as it always is.

i hurl bricks at your face.

“stack those up”

time passes, at least down here.

then, “oh why do you feel so far away? why do you leave me?”

in my darkness, i run into the wall i have built.

brick, by heavy brick.

ok jesus, save me. come as you have promised. that is all i have, all thats left.

------

2/15/10

oh lord.

teach me, teach me, teach me!

my reliance on you

is growing

make it complete

my love for you

is growing

make it complete

my obedience to you

is growing

make it complete

in my own strength

i stand

in-complete

and terribly empty

oh lord.

i see these souls around me

dancing with abandon in your arms

so enraptured with your abundant love

their eyes are glowing

and my heart remains restless

i only want you half the time, it seems.

so i don’t get you at/all.

these aren’t games i want to play

i want to put away childish things.

so lord.

oh heavenly father of all love.

teach my heart as only you can

i am not enough any more.

my conditions, my guilts, my shortcomings, my pain, my hurts, my addictions, my substitutes for you, my tilted notions, my frameworks, my personalty, my expectations, my hopes, my fears, my longings, my strivings, & my desires.

all must be ripped a-way.

they cannot save me

they cannot bring me peace with god

they cannot make my holy

they cannot give me love

they will not make me whole

only you.

and all that can, all that will, and i WANT IS YOU. oh jesus! come quickly.

----

i know about hypocrisy 5/19/10

i am so fluent in the language of righteousness.

there, in my heart, is a deep knowing of truth, of the way we should walk and why we should walk it.

my mind loves these ideas and my silver tongue is married to perfection.

there is a craving for peace on earth, for the cessation of pain, for bellies filled, for justice served, for perversion imprisoned. for lives empty of self yet overflowing with the savior, for a dropping, a releasing out of the hand the things of earth, for a immunity to caring about these details that have no worth.

there is a craving

there is a desire

but see, these aren’t the only things i want.

flesh. selfish flesh.

sometimes it is 49 percent.

but mostly it is 51.

hypocrisy is fifty-one.

thats how i can speak of giving all to feed the poor

yet fail to give five minutes to my brother.

i want deliverance.

i want to want that which is holy at every moment.

yes, i can see it too.

what i want is easy.

feed me holiness on a spoon.

in soup-form please, so it goes down easy.

paint it in black and red now. you can see it as well as i?

eaten alive with selfishness, in every crevice of my soul.

what can take that out?

scape away the invader?

i need it out.

self must die and jesus will live.

this is what i seek with my whole heart. (lest that sound holy, let me recognize that i do nothing truly good with my whole heart)

this is what i desire to seek.

cleanse my soul, save my tongue. oh please make me clean.

-----

contradictions 6/8/10

this is home

finally where i belong

yet it isn’t

not in any way

i am so deliciously happy

contented and full

yet im filling with sad

tearing into so many little pieces

i want to stay

this is all i know

i am loved

thats all i need

here, i can laugh all i want

and she and him, they make me laugh

i can giggle and burst out and lose it

i can sound like a seal or a horse

they do too

so can i please stay.

you cant find real laughers just anywhere

it’s them.

all these beautiful people

even the ones i never thought i’d miss

they know me; yet love me

love is home

they are home

and leaving home is hard

in all of this, i am terribly thrilled

the biggest changes of my short life

are right behind the next bend

so excited.

been excited for these moments

since i was 12

waiting for my real life to begin

for oh so long

today my real life is happening

it already began

i am here, now.

take me, make me, shift me

living- so rough and daring and stunning.

magical

-----

be still. peace is here. 7/6/10

torn and wrestled back and forth

joy, disappointment, pain and happiness

filling me up

then there is fear.

the kind with the cold frustration as a neighbor

i can’t stop crying till He.

no, daughter, no

here, you are safe

peace be still

for my will is where im taking you

you asked to be in my will, you did

let me drive. sit back.

take the worry off your face

i’ll lift that burden from your shoulders

and it is so simple with Him.

i give him my breaking heart

and he fills the cracks with peace

holds my hand, and wipes the wet from my cheeks

it’s all working out, working out

the hard is the classroom

the hard is when i pay attention

the hard is when i cling, cling so hard to the hand that was always there

the hard is when i take a step onto the bridge of words i’ve spoken for so long

the hard is when i find the bridge firm beneath my feet

“who are you?” she asked “how could you... why?”

there was silence, but she knew.

most of the questions we ask, we could answer ourselves.

madly in love.

oh, how is it possible? why me? who am i anyway? so blessed. so blessed.

grafted in with the loved ones, thats me.

adoption. isn’t that a beautiful word?

from alone to together. single to taken. orphan to a-dopted. drifter to daughter. broken to whole. afraid to brave. sinner to saint. filthy to clean. ugly, so ugly/ to beautiful.

father, oh father. your love.

all these transformations {we should never stay the same}

and my heart. oh, take it all, take it all.

she always chose what hurt her. {maybe we’re all masochists?}

no, no, my child. thiss way.

-------

8/20/10 or 09

sometimes i feel as if i could soak it all in

catch the air flowing pass as we drive along

my fingertips will fill up, then my arm

and i then i will become a balloon

filled enough to float out the window

sucked into the blue sky forever

i will spin and dance and twirl

kiss the sun and have tea with the man on the moon

i’ll wake up tired and peaceful in the back seat

wind, you are magic to the touch

you really are.

------

too many lasts 8/2010

the wheels are creaking to a stop

soon i’ll be asked to get off

the weight crushing my soul

only gets bigger

staring off

too sad to pretend

-----

its all such a full circle 8/20/10

i had my binoculars out

bring me my future closer

then i got a glimpse

i tried to put them away then

i wanted to stay very still

but rushing faster and faster

time flows quicker

than waves passing through our spread fingers

but then gently and slowing

time draws you along

quicker than you thought it could

i smile at the change

still standing

as still as i can.

in between.

very in-between.

not quite Home

and not quite There

but things are forever changed here

wishing for the ways things were never helped

so i put the tears back away.

it is time to rejoice

it is time to wave my hand out the window

and revel in the touch of wind against my skin

it is time to move. moving forward.

further up, and further in.