grasping

today i copied and pasted all these little tidbits from word documents together into one place. i wish i had grown more and been lost less over these past few years.

quite lost? 4/11/11

i’m learning about full and empty these days
the days when jesus soaks me wet with him
i am squeezed out, with something to give
but that is so rare and so common is the desert
when i’m called to spend from his account
but find myself with no access to it
those days i barely long
wrapped in clingy clothes of pain i tremble alone
okay with alone
but today, the day after. after sunday.
the day you so sweetly beckoned me Near
today i am grasping at you
for a fullness i’ve never experienced

for the near i’ve felt
just once
wet all over. tears and sweat and fear, very real
that night in russia where you didn’t let me sleep,
remember?
i remember.
i believed in you, in everything. i believed you heard me
believe you were near
oh, how you were near
i breathed in you with every cry
hi jesus. i’m still me and you’re still you
and all i want is that nearness
really?
DAMN.no. you see the truth- that no, nearness is not desired.
truly desired. not continually.

these weeks. sosoSO torn, because my addiction to HERE
and my thirst, like suffocation
they are battling
guess who keeps winning.
its almost time to reunion the women who know me so well
and that’s when i’ll try, hard, to express the tangles i am feeling

when i try, nothing comes out

farfar away.
circles and circles. that don’t bring me closer
wanting something i cannot have

i grow weary so quickly

YES. i know. its me, its donna grace
the filth that makes up my being
the filth doesn’t want you

this is myyyyyyyproblem.myguilt.
and somewhere along the way i quit believing
i deserved. or even wanted redemption
in some ways i quit wanting to figure it out
more accepting of Defeat because
it meant i could quit losing the struggle,
if i wasn’t even fighting it.

no no no you don’t let me stay
and yesterday you called.
sweetredeemer.
am i worthy of answering?
of being near?
will i ever get there, close in the corner of your heart
where i’ve always wanted to be?
i fear not,
i fear.

this is my weakness, in some of its honesty

i promise i want you
and that despite what i’ve just confessed,
i know it is all lies
i know lies. even when i try to believe them
i can’t quite ever fully believe them

abandoned soul. i’m not gonna get there alone
so grasp me firmly
please? i don’t have the strength to scream it

bring me near. make me desperate. make my cry. open me to this edge of death i’m living on. save me save me, please. crack me, shatter me. stop me.

thatswhat i need.