summer, over.

it happened so fast- we were hugging goodbye and then down the street and down the escalator and into the metro and on my way home. home was family time and camping with the five and urban standard and rejoicing in the rest (!).

driving alone for too many hours. pulling up to a motel i never thought i'd see again.
beach project.
looking back it feels like a dream.
the uncertainty and hurt, sleeping never enough. the fresh starts and open ears. teaching and being taught. learning to be humbled. to swallow back the hate when disrespected. learning i have no internal power within-it's all abba. we are dead, like that tombstone i preached to. the Power is of him and he comes now to reviven awaken, restore and develop. he is my prize, my only realistic expectation and my truest hope. he is my deepest desire and the only desire i will absolutely be granted. he met me there, plastic lawn chair and messy table. he met me while he rose the sun into the sky and he carried me through the long days and short nights. he wiped tears and help me as i shook in desperation. he showed me things about myself i never knew and probably didn't want to know. he broke me in continuous ways, denying, denying, denying my flesh. i was wrong but he forgave. i hit and he did not punnish. he revealed deeper than ever a life-shaping understanding of the gosepl within my heart. and there are two words in the english language that i have come to adore more than all others: jesus & gospel. he has become my solid rock when my feet are bare.
and then sweaty backs and open windows- we drove up and up the windy roads to the camp. that smell. the lifting fog and mist. the cool water. the silence. the green. wet grass on feet. soft pine needles under foot. refreshment. he gave me exactly what he knew i needed: time alone. time with amy, kat, and family. laughter and squeezing three in the backseat of Lebron. floating down the tuck and backflippin'- so many of those. and then we hit the trail up to the tippy top of greybeard. seven hammock and stunning sunsets and praying under the stars and that wide wide view over a sea of mountains. camping.
waterfall jumping and back to the cabin... the room of grace. best week of my life. words are inadequate to descibe the peace.
it was good.

home.
one night with em was too short and things felt rushed because all too soon i was ducking out of family date night and everyone seemed suprised. "what?! you're leaving in the morning?!!"
i cried the entire way home. wattagift. those siblings. and before i was ever caught up i was moving on again. that is how things always feel.
because now i'm here: settled for a good long while. a week and half alone in this room and i'm not lonely yet and i'm waiting on that to happen.
i have an entire year ahead to prepare and get excited for but before things spin out of control i'm content to just be. to sit for hours reading. being. listening.
i live so loved!
all is grace.