self fulfilling prophesies

here it comes now,

the understand; awareness. donna grace, you will be happy. you will live with joy and laughing-tears and big, gaping smiles. you will find comfort in the solitude of a few quiet moments each day. you will fall apart but always come back together. you will hurt, but happiness will win the end of your battles.

you will be happy no matter what the future holds.

whether i go to rural russia and live without plumbing. whether i end up in rural alabama, at home with a man and babies and live the simple life i never expected. whether i end up in a big city, little city, close to my family, or far from my family. whether i find a man to love with everything, or stay solo forever. whether i have seven children or none, whether i make it to grad school or not, whether i become successful according to my culture or decide to find my own form of success.

i am so young, so unsure of what my future holds. but then i remember that in the endless questions, possibilities, and unknowns, joy and happiness are decisions we make.

sometimes i feel like i'm not very happy at gw. and that makes me sad because i know that it is up to me to make my place here, to chose to love it, to chose to be happy.

the thing about being happy, about loving life, i have learned over and again, is that joy isn't in a certain partner or house or job or grade. for me, it always comes in its fulness when i am most completely satisfied and hopeful in jesus. when i open my eyes, wide, to the little bitty good gifts that fill up all the corners of every day. i'll have those things--love from my sister, an open field, a mountain to climb, sips of coffee, the truth of scripture, swimming, quilts and so on--no matter where i go in life. i'll have christ and so i'm guaranteed joy. ultimatly, i'll find my happiness, i will. and maybe it won't be every single day, maybe--likely--joy will be a choice i make that isn't always accompanied with happiness. somehow, that too is okay.

having joy. we're gonna make it, gonna make it.