being in the Will

the vile in me today,
it just wants everything that it has been told NO to.
and the part of me that has the last little bit of sense quivers, just to see those words sprawling out, made real, because
i know very, very well
how God gives us over to our desires.
oh, he gives you what you want.eventually. if you fight hard enough for it.
if its him you want, he loves to give you Himself.
and if its Yourself that you want. oh. you'll get it.

when i measure these things in my heart, the truth again, wipes off the dirt on the floor,
firmly plants it's flag.

truth, wash over me. teach me how i don't really want what i think i want, because what i want isn't what God wants, and what god doesn't want for me is.
well, i don't rightly know much about it,
but i know it's not something good.

this is how it is to know God.
he never lets me win.
surrender, again, he demands.
as painful as that sounds and sometimes it is it comes with the salve of peace,
and i guess being peaceful is better than being happy.
knowing you are in the right, in the truth, in the Will,
even when that will rips and tears.
let me be broken, shattered, let me lay in shreds
at Rest.
i guess that's better than be drunk and giddy with laughter, failing to notice
the house i'm smiling in
is burning down

rome, sunday, august 21
4:34pm